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"Finding Joy"

Assignment Four: Use remorse and let go of guilt. Remorse is a godly sorrow that brings us to strive to change ourselves and make amends. It lifts us, and allows us to feel better. Guilt is causes us to continually punish and belittle ourselves, but does not bring about change. Many people believe they have to hold onto guilt or they won't ever be better, but in reality it is BECAUSE they hold onto guilt that they don't ever get better. Holding guilt causes us constantly focus on the negative. What we focus on is what we attract to ourselves. It causes us to lose faith in ourselves, in others, and in God. Remorse allows us to build faith.

1. If you really have done something that has wronged someone, remorse assists in correcting it. There is often a feeling of "I feel badly that I did this. How can I make it better?" Ask yourself why you did it. If you can't figure that out, talk to someone or get professional assistance to discover your hidden motives for that type of behavior. Then make amends--to that person or people, to God, to yourself. Acknowledge what you have learned. Then LET IT GO! If you continue to hold onto the pain of what you have done, it becomes guilt. If you do it again, go through the same process again, and then LET IT GO!
2. Recognize the need to please. My guilt concerning my grandson was my need to please all people at all times. However, I am only human, and this simply is not possible.
3. Recognize your own needs. Often we sacrifice our own needs to the needs of others so often that we fail to even realize when we are going beyond our capabilities. Then we crash, either emotionally or physically.
4. Find time to nurture yourself. We are not required to run faster than we are able. It is important for us to recognize our limitations and take care of ourselves.
5. Create a win-win. Recognize when you truly need to nurture yourself. If you are like most of us, there will be demands on your time which may tempt you to sacrifice your needs for someone else. Often you can create an alternative which will satisfy both needs, though maybe not in the expected way. In this case, I will be seeing this grandson in a few days. I will have him tell me all about his experience in receiving this award, and be a part of it in that way. There may be other times when you choose to do this other thing. Then make it a point to make another time to nurture yourself, and KEEP YOUR PROMISES TO YOURSELF!
6. Be kind to yourself. We often treat ourselves more harshly that we do others. We call ourselves names and punish ourselves for little things. Our thoughts about ourselves are constantly negative, and we often don't feel that we deserve to do anything to nurture ourselves. Treat yourself as kindly as you treat others, and you will find yourself treating others even better!
7. Recognize the difference between selfishness and being self-loving. They are not the same thing! Selfishness is not wanting to give to others, or giving to self without any thought or care about the effect on others. Being self-loving is taking care of yourself so that you have the energy and ability to give to others. WE CANNOT GIVE WHAT WE DO NOT HAVE!

Until we meet again,
Dr. Judi